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[knowsit]

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[nummytreat]

Yeeeeah, how about no? I'm not going to whet your appetite. Wouldn't want to give you a headache, bitey.

[knowsit]

Oh yeah, I'm the desperate one. Clearly.

Getting a bloke all worked up, hot and heavy, then dropping him like that? Hurts, you know? I don't know if I'll ever recover.

[nummytreat]

I mean, one of us only has a plastic bag to satisfy him and it's not me.

You'll just have to live with the fact that this tasty morsel is taken.

[knowsit]

That's what you think but what's to say I'm not jacking it on your couch right now. Only need imagination for that one.

Pity. How will I ever move on from your pasty, sweaty body??

[nummytreat]

Ugh, don't do that! I want my couch clean of your dirty vampire fantasies.

No idea, I'm special. Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

[knowsit]

Too late. I'm going to make the most of this lumpy, soda stained leather mess and you can't stop me.

Yeah, tragic loss that. I'll have to comfort myself. All alone. On your couch. With my right hand.

[nummytreat]

I don't even want to know what gets you off. What do vampires fantasise about?

[knowsit]

Are you really asking me that?

Cause it ain't the likes of you, if that's what you're wondering.

[nummytreat]

Look, I know Drusilla and Harmony. So, frankly, it's not like they aren't different enough that I'd be out of question.

[knowsit]

...

You're nothing like either of
Well
Actually, you and Harm have the same level of annoyance.
And IQ.

But you're not anywhere near as pretty, mate.

[nummytreat]

No, see, Harm tried to copy from me in school. Which really just confirms her lack of judgement, no wonder she ended up with you.

And I'm not pretty, I'm handsome. Damn handsome. You should be so lucky.

[knowsit]

Are you honestly bragging about how stupid you are? Cause congrats, I already knew. I watched you trying to work your VHS yesterday, I already know.

Oh please. Put a little effort in and move out of the basement, then we'll talk.

[nummytreat]

Just pointing out that Harmony's a lot more stupid and has infinitely worse taste. Also, Drusilla is terrifying, almost killed me with her love during that spell.

I'm working on it. Would be easier if certain leeches contributed to the rent.

[knowsit]

She would never be into you otherwise. She only goes for blokes with something to offer. Not basement dwelling losers like you.

I'm not paying to live in this dump. Ever. I'm only here because old Rupert wants to fuck around

[nummytreat]

That explains why she dumped you, I guess. You just offer whiny self-pity and being useless.

Guess even Giles gets more laid than little Spike.

[knowsit]

Fuck off, I dumped her! And besides, we broke up because of Buffy and her lack of self control, not me.

I could get laid if I wanted to. Just don't wanna.

[nummytreat]

That's not what you cried to Willow all heartbroken. Hey. Hey, Spike. Are you and Drusilla still friends?

That's what I said throughout high school.

[knowsit]

Are you and that bint you cheated on still friends? I heard she impaled herself on my staircase. You really know how to treat a girl, mate.

Gonna go out and get myself a girl then. Make the most of that couch while I'm at it.

[nummytreat]

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TIED YOU UP.

When I come home, I'll throw you back down on that chair and tie you up, you asshole. Punch you while I'm at it.

[knowsit]

Kinky. Look at you, can't resist me.

Always did like myself some foreplay.

[nummytreat]

Ew.

Learn to tell punishment from seduction!

[knowsit]

Is there really a difference?

[nummytreat]

...yes!

Why are all vampires so messed up?

[knowsit]

No soul, mostly.

And we're all about the blood and suffering.

[nummytreat]

You are just a bunch of sadistic parasites with bad teeth.